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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee. (Hardly
seems worth it.)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper is always smiling? And why isn't the pig
included in this list? Maybe 30 minute orgasms aren't as fun as I
imagine...)
On average, people fear spiders more then they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of....? Did the gov't pay for this
research?)
Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew? Who cares? Did the gov't pay for this too? Probably...)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. That's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to
death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while it's head is attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
off. (Hi, honey. I'm home. What the...?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig.
Quality over quantity, you know?)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like this too.)
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it
yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm
not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted
the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the
computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple,
a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it
disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do
I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with
her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys
at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!